im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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