Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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