he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
