Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
