Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
