Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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