Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
