I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
