And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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