By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Randomize
