The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
