I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
