I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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