I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
