my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
