Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
They took my balls.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
