Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
