i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
