Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
