Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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