Cold hands, warm shart.
My liver just broke up with me...
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Mom said you looked used
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize