This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
