im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
