i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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