i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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