he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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