You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
