I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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