Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
