I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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