Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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