Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
