i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
