you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
