What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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