I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
