Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
