"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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