We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
