You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
