I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
