i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
