I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
