You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
