Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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