Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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