why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
