The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
