Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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