the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
