i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
