It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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