TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
