Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize