where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
