Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
