Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
