dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
