I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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